I am so glad the above blog post was so helpful and that you are doing the hard work to stay off the Drama Triangle. Congratulations! It is a practice, so don’t be discouraged if you find yourself taking a step backwards right back onto the Triangle. I am sure you have discovered by now that staying off the Triangle frees up LOTS of energy for others things, including fulfilling work. Sometimes when we get stuck back in Drama we unconsciously do so to avoid something wonderfully creative and fulfilling, and therefore a little scary coming our way. If this happens, take it as a sign that you were about to be on the right track but got cold feet. Then, go revisit the opportunity again. It is a process, this self-discovery, and a lot of times it doesn’t feel comfortable, but it always leads to better, more creative, more expansive things for us, including work and relationships.

lots of love and encouragement,
Elaine

Yes, the key is to focus on YOUR OWN healing, not his. That is his job, never ever ever yours!!!! Take resposibility for you, your feelings, your needs, your life. Let him take responsibility for his. It sounds like he is doing all the right things by being in recovery. But it also sounds like he has a long way to go. He needs to focus on himself, and he needs a professional to help him through that. A professional will allow him space and will not ask him to meet her needs. He will not be under the burden to reciprocate. That way he is truly safe, he can focus just on himself, and he can lean on someone who knows how to hold the space for him. He’d probably benefit from Soul Retrieval and other Underworld Work (See the energywork descriptions, and I’ve written an Ebook on typical wounds that can be healed and helped along) Shamanic Energywork is extremely helpful is dealing with trauma and post traumatic stress.

I think it is also a good idea to ask yourself why you are asking a man, a man who has already told you his limits, for more than he is able to give. That is where your personal exploration should begin. What was the dynamic in your previous two marriages? Did you care take them in the hopes that they might give you something, even if it were just small, back? Take a look at the Giving Persona essay under the resources page and see if it sounds familiar. I’m sure you already know that the best partnerships come from two empowered people that don’t need each other but enhance each other. Serving each other is part of the relationship, but it is not all of the relationship.

I caution you in getting attached to being a part of his healing. That is really his business. It sounds very very close to falling into a Rescuer Role. Empaths do that all the time, and then we pay a cost for it. If you aren’t familiar with the Archetypal Drama Triangle, I’d read that ebook along with the shamanic energywork ebook just so you get an understanding of what you are stepping into.

Most importantly, the focus should be on YOU. Once you are scheduled on his calendar, then what? Is that enough for you? Is once a week enough? Will you ask for more? What is your motivation? If it is truly that you just want to spend time with someone you enjoy, then sure, there is nothing pushy about asking for a date. However, the key is he has to be allowed to say no. You must be able to deal with your dissappointment if he says no. If you are horribly disappointed at the prospect of him turning you down, then definitely definitely take this issue to a shaman so the shaman can help you figure out what is really driving you. Feeling this bound up, this emotionally entangled after just a few months is usually a sign that some deeper wound is being triggered, usually by both people involved.

Your question on whether such a relationship works out: No. It never does if the people involved don’t do their personal work. If both people do not addresss their wounds while in the relationship, if the status quo remains the same, then it is a predictable outcome that these relationships end with the Dissociated person pushing away the Empath. The Empath usually winds up feeling used and drained. However, in your case, your man is telling you from the start where he stands. So, like I said before: Be Conscious of what you are choosing, and of the power of this archetypal relationship. Yes, if he embarks on his healing, things could be different, but that is not up to you. You should not count on it. You will put extra pressure on him and the relationship if you do.

A better way to move forward is to focus on your own healing, with the question of why you are attracted to such a deeply wounded man. You know all the wonderful reasons you love this man–now it is time to explore the Shadow side of yourself and your relationship with the opposite sex. Take a look at all of your previous relationships and see if you can see a theme or pattern.

Most importantly, treat yourself and him well. Loving and caring for a fellow adult means that you allow him to go about his Soul’s Journey any way he cares to. Step out of the way if he is about to hurt you, but other than that, don’t interfere. Honor his requests if you can. This man has said he’s not ready for a relationship with you. I’d respect that. I’d believe him.

I wish you the best of luck!!!
much love,
Elaine

I feel good that I began to write him an email last night asking about the scheduling and after reading this site, backed out and just sent him a note letting him know that I honored, valued and will hold his needs that he wrote about in his letter in my heart. I think he just needs to hear that.

Can you advise further about the pushing to “schedule”? I am thinking that I should I just be patient with this as well. I think I can do it if I am really focused on making plans for myself. I have many friends and activities that I can be more focused on. I also really want to know your thoughts on healing. I believe (and of course this is part of my Empath issue, right) that I can be part of that healing and believe, even from his words, that I already have.

I am thinking that your book would be helpful. I am also looking into online support groups for people in relationships with people with DID.

Thank you again!!!

It sounds like your relationship is still very new, only two months old. Empaths tend to fall in love hard and fast and bind ourselves to people that need us more than they can truly reciprocrate. You have already stated that this man has major trauma to sort through. It is important that he gets the professional help that he needs and that he is committed to getting well. You should listen to what he says about his uncertainty about being able to be a full partner in a relationship. He is telling you from the get-go what you are embracing. He may love you, you may love him, but he may not be able to act on that love in the way that you want or need. He may not be emotionally together enough to be able to be a full adult in your relationship. It is your decision whether to choose to follow through, just be aware what you are choosing so that you do not blame yourself or him later if things do not go as you might wish. Be conscious that you are choosing a wounded person that needs to walk through the fire of his own healing process–if you are his partner through that, you are liable to get singed or even burned. But that is YOUR choice. No matter what you decide, it is a valid choice either way.

best of luck to you!
Elaine

I am so glad the ebook is helpful! The most confusing environment for Empaths to live in is one where everyone lives by appearances and hides all the negative emotions. It’s like the Emperor’s new clothes in which only the Empath has the courage to say what is what. Many times we can doubt ourselves so much that we do not have the strength to voice what we see going on. In such cases we become psychic garbage pails–we take on all the negative emotional energy that everyone else is the family or group is trying to push away. I hope you find your way out soon.

Let me know if you have any questions or need clarification!
much love,
Elaine